April 26, 2022
We’re going on Day 9 of our at-home isolation period. It’s been 9 days since D started the morning by throwing up, 8 days since she tested positive for COVID, 7 days since I started feeling crappy, 6 days since A and I tested positive for COVID and 3,975,768,482 hours together. At home. No one comes in and no one goes out.
I started the day in a funk. I felt shittier than I expected to feel at this point in my COVID journey. I’m vaxxed, boosted and somehow I felt worse this morning than I did yesterday. Walking up the stairs left me feeling winded and trying to catch my breath. And on top of that, I haven’t left my house or seen anyone other than my child and my spouse (and my co-workers, on Microsoft Teams, if that counts). Nothing really really seems to function smoothly these days, least of all my mood.
I guess that’s just life. It feels more like an in-my-face reality right now, because there is nothing else to focus on, other than what is right here in front of my face, at this very minute.
I’m sitting here, tonight, realizing that this is as good as it gets. This is it. There is no “culmination” so to speak. These are the good days, the bad days and all the days in between. Today, I choose to see mine as full:
I haven’t had much of an appetite over the last week. Nothing sounds good to me and I constantly feel a little wonky so I don’t feel much like eating. I made myself a bowl of strawberries, yogurt and honey for lunch. It was the first thing I ate all day. It was more nutritious than the sourdough toast and butter, banana, or random Easter candy I’ve been snacking on every other day. I sat outside in the sunshine and ate my lunch, appreciating the fact that I can work from home and enjoy my downtime in my most favorite places around my home.
Right after I ate lunch, I started to lose my shit. D had been watching tv for about three hours, while I tried to work and A was doing garden-stuff in the backyard. Everything about work was driving me nuts. Everyone needed something from me and I was on the brink of a meltdown. I passive-aggressively suggested to A that he do something with our kid. I continued stewing, over nothing, while they headed out towards the park. I made my 4th call, in as many days, to our FSA benefits administrator about a claim issue that refuses to resolve. In frustration, I hung up the phone and decided to put on my sneakers, pop in my earbuds and leash-up the dog. I headed out on a walk, where almost immediately ran into my kid, dog and husband. After having just asked them to please get out of the house, I was surprisingly happy to see them. They joined me for about half of my walk and I enjoyed the company - out of the house, away from work and all the responsibilities of home.
I picked out a dress for Molly’s wedding. It wasn’t A or D’s favorite dress, but it was the dress I that felt most like me. Normally, I would go with someone else’s opinion for the preferred dress, opting for what makes my husband and/or kid happy rather than what makes me happy. It felt like a small win, but a win nonetheless. I imagine they don’t care that much about what I wear, but they do have opinions when I ask for them. If I’m wearing it, it’s my opinion that matters most.
I felt like cooking tonight. I haven’t been in the mood to cook for a really long time, most (if not all) of the pandemic. I used to really love it - trying new recipes, finding something that’s both healthy and tasty, and the ritual of shifting from daytime to night. Taco Tuesday, the most basic of family dinner theme nights, was on the menu. We had ground beef tacos, we sat at the dinner table together and we talked about what was good today and what we didn’t like.
When I put D to bed tonight, I played her a meditation from an app, like I always do. She likes to answer the question prompts before the meditation: How are you feeling? She usually chooses ‘Great’ but today she chose ‘Good’ and said, “Today wasn’t great, it was pretty good.” I asked her why not great. “Because we were stuck at home all day. But then we went for a walk and we weren’t stuck at home. And I was bored to be at home but I was also happy to be home with you.” Just when I am on the brink of losing my sanity because I’ve had way too much time with my kid, with no breaks and no interruptions, and I don’t know how I can make it two more days living like this…she says something adorable.
This is it. This is the good stuff, the bad stuff and everything in between.
