Stillness
I woke up at 7:30, more than an hour before I normally get up on weekends. I live to stay in bed until I absolutely have to get up. It’s my favorite weekend ritual. I doze. I read stuff on my phone. I’m alone.
My husband naturally wakes up at 6am (which is sleeping in for him, he gets up at 3:30am for work M-F) so everyone is covered - pets are fed, dog is let out, kid is fed and attended to. Why should I bother messing up the equilibrium to get out of my warm, cozy bed to start tending to everyone else’s needs.
“Mama!” my kid exclaims, the second she sees me emerge from the bedroom. As if she had not just been snuggled up next to me, in bed, minutes before. Still, it feels good to get those kind of reactions walking into a room.
“Berger, what are you doing up?” my husband asks. I normally don’t show my face until around 9.
I plop myself on the couch, wrap myself in blankets, complain about how cold our house feels this morning and start texting my sister. My husband brings me a hot cup of coffee.
Lovely, I think to myself. A lovely, cold winter morning. All the right ingredients for snuggling up and easing into the day.
I grab the book I was reading the night before, open to the page where I left off, and begin again.
I stopped my nightly drinking habit a little over a month ago. I haven’t had any alcohol since November 18th. My sleep has improved, my anxiety has decreased and I feel so much more patient and present these last few weeks. I took up Legos with my kid. I started reading again. I have been finding comfort in slowing down and basking in stillness.
It’s the opposite of how I normally live my life - bouncing from one task to the next, taking on new responsibilities all the time, trying to make things easier for everyone else to my own detriment, never slowing down to rest or relax or reset.
To say that kind of lifestyle is exhausting is an understatement. It’s unsustainable. I’ve been burning myself out, day-after-day, for years. For a long time, I felt like the alcohol gave me more space in my life, more time to myself. And maybe it did. A few sips of wine - or Champagne, my favorite - and I could forget about the neverending tasks scrolling through my mind, and feel a little freer. If only for the moments that I was drinking.
Lately, I’ve noticed that not drinking has given me more space in my life. I sleep better. I feel more patient, especially around my daughter who knows how to expertly push all my buttons. I can keep my cool with greater ease. I don’t know if I can say I’ll never drink again. But I know that I love how I feel and I want to continue to feel this way. And to do that, and feel more stillness in my life, I will not drink today.
- J
