Intentional

As I write this, I’m lounging around on Jan 1, 2024 in my bathrobe, fresh out of a hot shower. My husband and kid are off to the grocery store, gifting me with about ~45 minutes of peace and quiet all to myself. Diamonds, it’s not, but I’ll take it.

When they first walked out the door, I was sitting on the floor, cross-legged, trying to find missing Lego pieces to re-construct some recently deconstructed Lego creations. About five minutes went by before I realized I was sitting on the floor, trying to find someone else’s missing Lego pieces while I had the house and time to myself. I realized the error of my ways and picked myself off the floor to go take a hot shower, with my nottooshortbutnotlongenough alone time.

I enjoyed my piping hot, peaceful shower in our quirky and not-totally useful bathroom space, I started thinking about the year that we’re closing - a year that’s been full of self-reflection and digging into my self-destructive thought patterns. I’ve spent the last 12 months working on my issues in therapy, re-evaluating my values, changing jobs, trying different kinds of self-care to see what makes me feel best and trying to juggle my many roles as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, business owner, primary parent, and plenty of others I can never remember but that still haunt me with responsibility. I’m closing one year and beginning another feeling totally, massively depleted.

My bucket is totally bone dry and has been empty for a loooooong time.

And I finally realized what everyone around me has been trying to tell me, it doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t have to do and do and do and do and do all the time, never stopping, to make everyone happy. Which is why I do it, to try to make sure other people like me. To try to always feel good about myself (spoiler alert - I don’t!) because I am always doing something. But other people’s feelings are not my responsibility and everyone is allowed to feel their feelings - good or bad - myself, included. And unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings give us information, too.

I quit Instagram because it made me obsess about perfection. My body. My style. My family. My job. My house. I wasted time and money chasing a perfect visual of a perfect life - which is totally subjective - and I felt bad all the time because I was always chasing something else that I didn’t have and telling myself I needed to have that thing for everything to be perfect. But perfect doesn’t exist.

I was struck by how free I feel being off of social media and not seeing all the infinite ways someone can do life. Some people’s versions look really great, some not-so-much. None of them are mine. I’ve been off for about a year now and looking at my dated and semi-functional bathroom didn’t make me feel an urgent need to renovate. While I feel like I know this on some level, I felt viscerally struck by the realization that best parts of life - the parts that I find myself most grateful for - are not the perfect parts. They are they parts where we are comfortable in our own skin, and living in the moment, and enjoying the surrounding company and the energy just clicks. Which is to say, I feel like I am in a good spot.

A shift in perspective.

I am closing 2023 with a few extra pounds from the week-and-a-half I took off to celebrate the holidays, eat all the sugary treats, and relax on all the couches (mine, my sister’s, my BFF’s), but I am feeling well-rested and hydrated, and motivated to find ways to bring more movement into my weekly routine. Mostly, I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned so that I can take better care of myself and show up as the best version of myself in the year ahead.

As I start this New Year, I am determined to make better use of my time. I don’t do resolutions, but I like the idea of focusing on one meaningful thing. My focus for the year ahead is intention. I shifted and molded and twisted and contorted to accomodate everyone else, only to exhaust myself to the point that I found myself devoid of joy. In 2024 I plan to be more intentional my time, my energy and my resources and how I spend them. I will make space for my wants and needs. I will embrace the discomfort as a clue as to what needs to change. I will do things that feel good and fun and joyful. I will be present with my people. I will prioritize my health and wellbeing. I will take my time. And I will rest.

Day 1, here we go. Let’s see where we end up in the next 12 months.

- J