Presence

My day started at 5:30am, way earlier than I like to wake up. My kid was in my bed, wiggling around. I was lying there, still, willing her to go back to sleep. I silently fumed for about 15 minutes before I gave up, put on my robe and got up.

Immediately, my daughter started to protest, “If you’re getting up, I’m getting up.”

“No,” I said. “We talked about this. I need time to myself in the morning before you get up. You can read quietly in here or you can go to your room and try to sleep. You can come to the kitchen at 6:30.”

She stomped to her room, locked the door and started crying.

I felt guilty. Why couldn’t my kid come to the kitchen with me?

She’s had a terrible attitude lately. She’s been acting rude and spiteful. I haven’t enjoyed my time with her lately, and it’s really bumming me out. I text my mom friends, and make this shameful confession. They respond with empathy, understanding and love. My eyes well up with gratitude. It’s not even 6:30am yet.

I want to enjoy being with my kid.

Starting my day this way, I’m off to a shaky start. I got my daughter off to school, guzzled two cups of coffee and made a smoothie before I settled down at my laptop, ready to work, at 8:30. Not long after, I found myself paralyzed by indecision, misalignment and insecurity. I haven’t been showing up as my best self at home, with my daughter. And, in turn, I haven’t been showing up as my best self at work, with my colleagues and responsibilities.

In my effort to try to keep everyone else happy and liking me, I’ve made myself miserable. I can’t make decisions when I take everyone else’s opinion into account - everyone has a right to an opinion. But I can’t find my own opinion when I don’t create space in my life. I don’t have space in my life when I don’t stop doing, when I don’t make time to just be.

I haven’t been present. For myself. For my daughter. For the task at hand.

I am either multitasking, moving from one thing to another, dulling my thoughts with mindless scrolling or sugar binges or shopping. I haven’t been listening to the person I need to listen to the most - myself.

When I abandon myself, I act in ways that are not in alignment with my values, because I’m not listening to my body. I’m not paying attention. I’m not living my values. And when I am not aligned with what’s important to me - what I stand for - I feel shaky, unstable and insecure.

I don’t trust myself. I’m not listening to my knowing. I’m not focused on what’s most imporatnt to me - my relationships and my health and well-being. I’m putting my focus on the wrong things - other people’s opinions, what’s happening outside of my control, whether people like me, think I’m smart or doing good work. I’m not present in my own life.

When I picked up my daughter from school, later in the afternoon, I tried something different. We went to an appointment, and then home where I had to finsih up work. When I closed my laptop, I put my phone away.

I sat on the couch, next to the dollhouse she was playing with. She told me about her day. I listened and asked questions. We danced in the living room to Taylor Swift. My husband got pizza and we ate together at the dining table, without any distraction. Afterwards, we snuggled on the couch, by the fire, to watch Miracle on 34th Street.

We also had an argument. She got mad - about what, I don’t remember. She started to make threats, to say things she knew would get a reaction. But this time, instead of reacting, I tried something different. I told her, “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to be unkind.” And I walked out of the kitchen, to give her (and me) space, and I sat on the couch, alone.

After a few minutes, she came to sit next to me. I reached out to tickle her. She giggled, curled up, and asked me to tickle her more. I asked her if she was still angry. She shook her head no. I smiled at her. She gave me a hug. It felt really good. And really different from how we started our day.

It was a beautiful reminder that we always have the opportunity to start fresh. To be present. To shift our focus, to what really matters.