Sugar > Booze
Sugar > booze. That’s the tradeoff I’m making in this moment. I’ve found that my nightly cocktail habit was making me more anxious, more depressed and more ill-equipped to handle the ebbs and flows of daily life. Of course, I don’t recoginize that in the moment. I can only see the pattern clearly when I take a break. I’ve been off the sauce for about five days. Not enough time to be life-changing, but space enough to clearly see that I feel better when alcohol is not a daily presence in my life.
Do I think I’ll quit forever? I don’t know.
Do I like how I feel when I’m not drinking? Abso-fucking-lutely. I sleep better. I can show up for myself and others better. I am clearer-headed. Ultimately, I feel like a better version of myself.
Do I feel like I miss out when I’m not drinking? Yes, honestly. I am going to my sister’s house tonight for dinner and I know there will be wine. And drinking the wine will feel easier than not drinking the wine, as wild as that sounds.
Can I have ‘just a glass’ here and there? Maybe. I’ve never been good about enjoying a glass of wine and not wanting more. I love the feeling - the ease that creeps through my mind - as the alcohol stirs through my body. And I always want more of that feeling.
Will I stay open-minded and see where the day takes me? Yes, but my goal right now is to keep riding the clarity that I feel when I am not drinking. No judgment of myself and others.
Over the last week, as I work on breaking the habit of making myself a cocktail after work, I have consumed bowls of ice cream, more fun size candy bars than I can count, chips, cereal and any other “junk food” I can get my hands on. Does it make me feel good? No, but it doesn’t make me feel as bad as the consistent alcohol intake does. I’m not drunk during the week. I don’t get drunk off of one cocktail. Though, if I’m honest, I like that feeling too…it’s the ultimate freedom of letting go but has way too many undesirable side effects. The thing I notice about myself is that the more often I do the “just a cocktail to unwind” the easier it is to slip into situations where I will get drunk.
Last Friday, I consumed the equivalent of an entire bottle of bubbly to myself. Plus a cocktail. Plus, sips of other people’s cocktails. And I felt like absolute garbage for the entirety of Saturday. I didn’t get out of bed. I didn’t eat until about 5pm. When I did eat, I ate garbage because that was all my body wanted. I had a pounding headache. I slept like shit. I didn’t enjoy my day, my time or my family at all. I also didn’t beat myself up about it. It was a choice that I made that came with natural consequences - a brutal hangover and a day lost to licking my wounds.
I am grateful to A for holding down the fort with D and not making me feel bad about myself. I do enough of that, on my own, so I don’t really need any help. I am grateful for a day of rest and reflection to think about how I use alcohol, what it adds (or doesn’t) to my life. I am grateful for the fun I had, with friends at our house, while I was drinking. And I am grateful that each new day is another chance to try something out and make adjustments so that I can find new ways to love my life.
xx
J
